So this post is kinda rough for me. It’s going to get real and raw and open myself up to an area I’ve always been super sensitive about: my weight.
The road to body acceptance and weight loss is a journey and it wasn’t until I gained 20 pounds last year, I finally got some perspective.
Sadly, I’ve always been the girl who thought she needed to lose 10 pounds. Even in high school when I was 150 pounds, I thought I could stand to lose some weight. I blame the fact that I grew up in the 90’s where waif thin was in and, if I’m being super honest, I also blame Francine Pascal.
She was the author of the Sweet Valley series which impossible for me to put down when I was growing up. It started with Sweet Valley Twins, Sweet Valley High and then SVU (Sweet Valley University). It was my childhood equivalent to binge-watching Netflix.
I can still recite the description of the Wakefield twins by heart. “Perfect” size 6, heart-shaped faces, wavy blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes.
So, naturally, I got it in my head being a size 6 was the ideal size. I can still remember when I was about 14-years old, I had to start wearing size 10 jeans. It just about broke me. Not only was I two sizes away from the ideal size, but I was in double digits!! It was heartbreaking, but I finally realized I didn’t have much fat on me and you can’t move bone, so size 10 was acceptable.
Weight Gain Weighing Me Down
Fast forward to my mid-30’s and two kids later, I’m much larger than I ever have been. After I had my 4-year old, I lost some baby weight, but then packed on more! I was heavier than when I was pregnant! Last year, I gained 20 pounds and it was devastating to me. I stopped really looking at myself in the mirror, starting buying baggy tops to “hide” myself and stopped caring about my appearance. I felt since I was fat now, why bother?
Finally, I got off an anti-depressant known for weight gain (thank you, Paxil) and got on the right combination of medicine to combat my PCOS and the weight is coming off! When I finally got back to the weight I was pre-Paxil, I was a lot more accepting, excited and eager to put myself together. I no longer felt embarrassed by my size. While I’m still trying to lose some weight (I’m down 25 pounds as of this post!), I’m a lot closer to my goals. I know getting to my pre-baby weight may not even be possible at this point – I have more muscle and different body composition than I used to – I’m feeling more confident than I have in a long, long time.
I’m still in the middle of my weight loss journey, but it’s such a relief to finally be seeing progress. I know how damaging it is to your self-esteem to know you’re working hard and not seeing the results. So, if you’re struggling with body acceptance or weight loss – just keep at it! Keep fighting, keep asking questions and know your hard work will pay off eventually.