Blog,  Health

How Gaining Weight Helped Me Begin Accepting My Size

So this post is kinda rough for me. It’s going to get real and raw and open myself up to an area I’ve always been super sensitive about: my weight.

The road to body acceptance and weight loss is a journey and it wasn’t until I gained 20 pounds last year, I finally got some perspective.

Sadly, I’ve always been the girl who thought she needed to lose 10 pounds. Even in high school when I was 150 pounds, I thought I could stand to lose some weight. I blame the fact that I grew up in the 90’s where waif thin was in and, if I’m being super honest, I also blame Francine Pascal.

She was the author of the Sweet Valley series which impossible for me to put down when I was growing up. It started with Sweet Valley Twins, Sweet Valley High and then SVU (Sweet Valley University). It was my childhood equivalent to binge-watching Netflix.

I can still recite the description of the Wakefield twins by heart. “Perfect” size 6, heart-shaped faces, wavy blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes.

So, naturally, I got it in my head being a size 6 was the ideal size. I can still remember when I was about 14-years old, I had to start wearing size 10 jeans. It just about broke me. Not only was I two sizes away from the ideal size, but I was in double digits!! It was heartbreaking, but I finally realized I didn’t have much fat on me and you can’t move bone, so size 10 was acceptable.

Weight Gain Weighing Me Down

Fast forward to my mid-30’s and two kids later, I’m much larger than I ever have been. After I had my 4-year old, I lost some baby weight, but then packed on more! I was heavier than when I was pregnant! Last year, I gained 20 pounds and it was devastating to me. I stopped really looking at myself in the mirror, starting buying baggy tops to “hide” myself and stopped caring about my appearance. I felt since I was fat now, why bother?

Finally, I got off an anti-depressant known for weight gain (thank you, Paxil) and got on the right combination of medicine to combat my PCOS and the weight is coming off! When I finally got back to the weight I was pre-Paxil, I was a lot more accepting, excited and eager to put myself together. I no longer felt embarrassed by my size. While I’m still trying to lose some weight (I’m down 25 pounds as of this post!), I’m a lot closer to my goals. I know getting to my pre-baby weight may not even be possible at this point – I have more muscle and different body composition than I used to – I’m feeling more confident than I have in a long, long time.

I’m still in the middle of my weight loss journey, but it’s such a relief to finally be seeing progress. I know how damaging it is to your self-esteem to know you’re working hard and not seeing the results. So, if you’re struggling with body acceptance or weight loss – just keep at it! Keep fighting, keep asking questions and know your hard work will pay off eventually.